11/12/2005
it's break time. one week and three papers later, drained in and out.
i have this thing for dreaming questions. always, the nights before or the morning after. in the twilight zone between drifting in and out of sleep, while the brain tries to will the body out of bed to kickstart the day and fails. refusing to give in to the beaten and weathered shell of the soul, it begins on a journey of its own... piece-ing together bits of information crammed the night before, connecting them in the form of a mindmap. the more it goes on, the more confusing things get. the mapping stops abruptly, giving way to the numerous queries and sometimes very plausible looking exam questions come straight out. it is only then that i WILL the body to wake up. to pen that qns. to look for ans. but more often than not, it's gone with the wind the instant your eyes open. then comes the paper.... and then i start wondering... hmmmm... have i seen THAT before?somewhere? if only i could find methodogise a way to capture these things before they go. i could be a (i lost that word) person-who-can-look-into-the-future. a prodigy!
a really amusing thing happened. not too long ago on the last day of a particular class, i told a classmate, rather jokingly (but i did mean what i said at that time) that lessons are so much better without him around. it is no secret that i dislike his personality and behavior more than just 'a little'. Watching his face turn from irritating to shock ate into my conscience. but you have to understand that he really was quite the irritant. and just before my paper yesterday, he marched right up to me and said, "hey, i've got sth to tell you. i want to apologise for being such an ass in class throughout the entire sem. you are not angry with me anymore, are you?" And boy was i surprised. the way he did it seem more like a prank. and i laughed out loud, and told him, 'well maybe it wasnt your fault. somethings and some people are just the way the are. and some other people just cant connect with them and they choose not too.' He took that with him and left. I felt bad for a second. Then i applaudded myself for being so honest, something i would not have done if i thought for just another second before i offered a reply. "the damage's been done" was offered by a friend. INDEED. This is one person who has the innate ablity to ignite the fire in me. no anger involved, always just pissed and irritated, then forgotten. I should think we'll end up in the same class again next sem, and i hope he'd have changed for the better. or if not, realise that he should really just leave me alone.
To me, to mean what you say is really important. For example, dont ever apologise just because the situation calls for it, for that only cheapens the value to the words that would have meant alot. do it only because you are truly sorry. overusage mars the sincerity.
X: well... i thought......
Y: well. you know what? you think too much.
yes. indeed. i think too much. we all think too much. maybe if we'd let our thoughts flow and not manipulate them, things would be REAL. no false fronts, no pretense. things are so much easier to manage that way. i already did that once. and boy did it feel good. instead of stabbing that someone in the back, just go up to him and let him know what went wrong. If there's any bad blood, disagreement, i'd welcome you people to charge straight ahead, tell it to me in my face. tribal or not i have no care, just no masquerades.
a few qns in my language paper caught me unaware. What does the country export? and with my limited vocabulary and time, i only had the brains to pen down VODKA, BEER, WINE and CHEESE. if by chance my tutor marks my paper, she'll know immediately that it can be none other than me. we've had too many such episodes where all i can think of are alcoholic drinks. class conversations, tests, orals.... and now the exam... woot....
it's nice when you've got great caring invigilators. 20 mins to go and a free writing portion undone, the invigilator was really worried about me. came by and asked if i were facing any problems. i was, at that time, really suffering from a bad headache and couldnt concentrate any further. "Do you understand what the question is asking for? There is not much time left. Just write something in that blank, ok? something. anything! just dont leave the lines staring back at me." she looks at me and smiles. Wanted so much to give her a hearty hug. Felt wonderfully energized and forced myself to come up with a good whole lot of sentences. Cant remember if they made sense or not. But coming up with a story, in a foreign language, when you have an incessant throbbing in the head and was racing against time, i think it was quite a feat. i felt peaceful after that paper. Afterall, i was braver to have gone for an exam i studied only two hours for, than the dude in front of me. he didnt even turn up.
8:58 AM
